“Between Two Kingdoms” Struck Me So Hard!
I just finished, pretty much devoured, the book, “Between Two Kingdoms: A Memoir of a Life Interrupted” by Suleika Jaouad and I absolutely adore it. The book is a very vulnerable recount of Jaouan’s diagnosis with cancer and the multiple years of pain, uncertainty, and brutal fight against her body to be living right now. And while the battle with cancer was one thing, her reentry into the world in remission without a life completely centered around her survival was another. What made it so difficult was how cancer changed her identity in so many ways, altered her dreams as a recent college grad, and redefined how she would live her very young life. Between Two Kingdoms is that space between the sick and the well. Her transition from living each day in hospitals, enduring battles and loneliness, being isolated in ways I can’t even imagine, to living amongst the well, like me, who has never had to face such a battle.
I have luckily never had to experience what she has. Thank the heavens I have been an overall healthy person as I can’t even imagine living through what she endured.
This book hit me like a bit of a gut punch because I’ve felt a little like I’ve been Between Two Kingdoms of my own and it helped me see why I have this wobble like a fawn learning to walk for the first time about me now. The before is how I navigated life before being diagnosed with C-PTSD being so naive, working so hard, doing, thinking the best of everyone, and thinking that was going to pay off for me in successful relationships and what I achieved professionally. Now that I’ve done so much work trying to fix the way this trauma showed up in me (and I will always be a work in progress), has left me feeling a little subconscious and unsure of how I “reenter” life and build knew relationships and continue on with old ones knowing so much more about myself, the ugly parts of how I show up in relationships (work, friendships, romantic), and trying to figure out who I am, what I need, and what I want. For the first time in my life. I also believe the pandemic experience has a part to play in this for me as well. Although there’s hurt from this period of time, it may have actually been a blessing in disguise forcing me to face this trauma sooner than I would have otherwise.
I am 46 years old right now. I have said for years I’ve been taking care of myself since I was 5. I grew up with an alcoholic mother and father, and my first memories are mostly of me trying to protect her when he was beating her in a drunken rage. Or of taking care of her when she was drunk at the neighbors. And the stories continue. I’ve lived my entire life people pleasing, and more specifically fawning. I’ve abandoned myself my entire life to show up and care for others, to not have needs or else I’d be seen as too much, to earn love. I am not sure I knew who I truly was or truly wanted until I started healing.
It has taken me this long in my life to mourn all that has been lost to me because of this. Marrying someone who didn’t want to have kids (and disliked dogs!), navigating life with no support, navigating divorce with no support, and just not really ever stopping to consider what I wanted in my life. To really truly feel the loss of having a mother and father still alive in this world and they don’t unconditionally love me. To realize I have felt I fundamentally can’t have unconditional love. And believe me, I have tried to have beautiful relationships with these two people.
I long with my entire heart to care for someone, to care for their soul, and to be cared for in return. I’m fiercely independent. I don’t need someone to pay my bills or buy me things, but to just care for me as an imperfect, strong, sensitive human that loves hard and enjoys small moments. To know I can cry the ugliest tears under the sun and be disregulated once in a while and I won’t be kicked to the curb. To be that for someone else because our trust and vulnerability in each other is so strong.
I’ve grown so much over the years, but I still struggle with boundaries. How to have them. How to give because I want to and without expecting anything in return, but being able to ask for help and actually feel loved and important enough to be helped. To belong. These are some of the things I’m working on for myself right now as I navigate this in between space of who I was and have left behind with the healing I’ve done to who I’m evolving into these days.
And maybe this piece feels like too much of a downer, but I know in my soul I’m on the right path and it feels so very good. It’s really just the human experience to move through life in flow with the good and the bad, the joyful and the sad, the hard and the easy. I’m here for it all. I’m not forcing anything these days. Not work, relationships, clients or whatever. I guess at the end of the day, we’re all Between Two Kingdoms in one way or another, living a different life than we dream, expected, or tried to create.
The last line in the book is, “Wherever I am, wherever we go (her and her dog), home will always be the in-between place, a wilderness I’ve grown to love.” Knowing I have a home within me I embrace every word of this as I navigate my journey through my one precious life.
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If you are looking for coaching support, I’d love to meet and see if we’re a good fit. You can email me at shannon@radiantfirefly.com or schedule time to connect here to see if it feels good to continue an engagement together.