Was My Authenticity a Fraud This Entire Time?
If you know me, you might know that one of the things most important to me is my authenticity. It’s one of my values, it’s something I’ve been told to keep as I’m a rare person that shows up as I am.
I’ve talked in front of hundreds of people about this topic and have encouraged people in power, meaning those who have leadership roles, own companies, have status, etc, to help make work and any place a safe space for people to truly show up as they are and be valued and included. I feel it’s the cornerstone to any relationship. Why start getting to know someone with a mask on. Eventually the true colors will show, and in my mind, probably put a kink between those people when it does.
I think over the years my authenticity has served me. I realize I have so much privilege in how I look. I’m that white girl with brown hair who kind of fits into most places and I haven’t had to probably ever think too much about whether a work, social, gym, travel, nature, big city, small town space was ok for me to be in. But I look back at my life and think I was brave and maybe a little too bold and didn’t consider safety and such too much either. And I suppose my honesty and not having too much discernment also plays into this. I just have thought the best of people always. I still to this day don’t understand why other people control, gaslight, manipulate, and hate. My cheeks flush and I get nervous if I even begin to start to lie.
So why am I questioning my authenticity now? Because I’ve done a lot of work trying to heal myself these last couple years and have realized that because I’ve grown up in a home that didn’t offer conditional love or validation, I’ve been working overtime for over 40 years to try and achieve it and feel good enough. To feel good enough. This brings tears to my eyes just typing it out because I’ve been accepting breadcrumbs along the way without a good model for how it really should feel to belong. There has been maybe too much of a chameleon like quality of mine that has been trying to show my value to others by never having a need and worked my entire life to earn acceptance and love. I didn’t have my own needs attuned to or exposed because I might be too much.
Who am I without doing this? What are my needs? How do I cultivate relationships that just honor who I am?
This has been on my mind these last few weeks and it’s hit me like a ton of bricks to realize maybe I was a fraud this entire time?
I have reflected back on the work I’ve done over the years, the people I’ve coached, and the people I’ve been in relationship with, and know I can show up better for them now than I did back then. In the past, I have been able to inspire and motivate so many people to achieve goals and chase their dreams, and there are relationships I’ve lost along the way that I’ll never have the opportunity to show up better.
But I suppose if I really dig down deep, I was being the authentic me at the time. I have to give myself grace because as much as I wish I knew then what I do now, I didn’t, and I was doing the best I could at the time with the tools and knowledge I had. And my authentic self today probably won’t be completely the same in coming weeks, months, and especially years because I do want to keep growing, learning, and evolving. Does this ring true to you as well?
I absolutely wish I realized how much my upbringing influenced the way that I showed up and lived my entire life sooner. But, life is still beautiful and good, I’ll continue to marvel at the mountains and enormous trees I walk beneath each day, and enjoy the birds and other wildlife I hear and see on the daily. I’ll still laugh deeply with my close friends and family, and love the beautiful mess this life is. I recently heard somewhere that to love someone is to go to 1,000 funerals of the person they used to be and who they could have been. I could have been lots of things, but I’m me now. Authentically, imperfectly me and I look forward to what this looks like as I live, love, work, and relationship through the rest of my life.
Work with me!
If you are looking for coaching support, I’d love to meet and see if you are interested in working together. You can email me at shannon@radiantfirefly.com or schedule time to connect here to see if it feels good to continue an engagement together.