Just over a year ago I embarked on a very hard, very needed journey to heal myself. My therapist tells me today that I was just done and couldn’t go on living like I was any longer. It’s startling to hear that. That someone saw this in me. I’ve been so strong and resilient all these years and have faced adversity with strength and tenacity. I’ve been successful in many ways, I’m proud of the work I’ve done and the accomplishments I’ve had. But I was drained and exhausted. I was sad and lonely. Getting laid off from my job at the end of March 2022 opened a big door for the opportunity to embark on this healing journey. It also helped me start to sever making my identity connected souly to my career. It gave me the space to connect more deeply to Mother Nature and understand how nurturing, vital, and important it is. I was also diagnosed with Complex PTSD, something not everyone knows about. Something that I’m a little nervous to say out loud. But I know there’s a need for me to be vulnerable about it too. I wasn’t nurtured as a kid, and honestly, I really haven’t ever been. This is where a lot of it stems from.

I’m still strong. Very.

But I will no longer lean into resiliency as a virtue. I’m softer now. I’m less reactive. I’m more in tune with my intention and what the universe is telling me. I’m more me than I ever have been. And it feels really, really freaking good.

Why did I have to embark on this journey? How did I become so resilient?

I was born to a mother and father who were alcoholics. My first memories are of physical abuse during bouts of drinking when my father was home from being at sea as a merchant marine. My memories are of me protecting my mother and trying to get my father to stop hitting her. I wasn’t even five years old yet. I told them to get divorced at that age. When he was home from sea, my life was full of fighting, force feeding my little brother to eat, anger, contempt, and absolutely no love that I can remember. None. When he was away, there was still drinking and contempt. She was too hung over to get me off to school, so I did it for myself, and then my little brother. There was no hugging, no love, and have memories of being told I was an odd baby that didn’t seem to want any love.

I’ve been seeking acceptance and worth as long as I can remember. I had to finally find love and self acceptance with myself.

They divorced when I was 8. I mostly lived with her until I was 15 because he was still going to sea, although he did start dating a woman I still love to this day who became my stepmom. She was a great role model for me and sadly passed over a decade ago of cancer. I went to live with them full-time in my teens after a weekend where it snowed, and snowed, then snowed some more. She was upset I wasn’t at her house to shovel snow so she packed up everything in my bedroom in big black garbage bags and put it on the front porch. I remember showing up sad as can be. Crying. Feeling unwanted. Literally tossed to the curb like trash. Abandoned by the woman on this planet who should love me most, who as a very little girl I fought so hard to defend.

Up until this point, I was struggling in school because my evenings were full of my mother yelling at me for my lack of doing dishes or something similar. She really can’t relate to women and wanted to be surrounded by men. There was always alcohol involved. I honestly don’t think I know her sober. At all. I remember running down the hill to catch the bus so many times, missing it from oversleeping from late night unpleasantness. I’d have to call my dad to come get me from the next town over to take me to school because she didn’t want to or wasn’t of the right mind to do so. I had failed Spanish which I was so ashamed of.

My resiliency was already kicking in around this time. Having no curfews or rules to follow and living in a town that was full of teenagers that drank, smoked, and other risky behavior, I for some reason, which I will forever be grateful for, chose the path to get very involved with any and every school activity. I took as much Spanish as I could to prove to the wonderful teacher I could. When I graduated from high school, I was president of the student body, captain of the volleyball team and track team, was in choir, had a part time job, and several other activities. It got me out of the house, it surrounded me with positive activities, it gave me a way to get into college, and to start my own life. It saved me.

This “doing, and doing, and doing” very much continued until last year. I just turned 45.



My adult life has lead to estrangement from both my parents, my brother, and a divorce.

Why did I keep doing?

I “performed” in order to be loved, to earn love, to be validated, to try to prove to anyone I was worthy of love or acceptance.



I just recently made a couple important realizations:


• I kept trying to be the “good girl” and do all the right things expected of me in society, by my family, to be accepted. But my immediate family views me as someone who doesn’t need anyone because of my strength and needing to take care of myself, when I’ve been doing it all to survive and to earn love, worthiness, and validation. It didn’t work. At all. I’m tired.
 It backfired. All of it.

• I haven’t ever asked for what I needed because I felt like it was too much and therefor had no idea how others in my life could attune to my needs and show up for me. I just kept giving thinking that it would give me love. It didn’t. Not in the least. 


• I’ve been saying for some time that I have grief for all this love I have to give and nowhere to give it, but now I realize that I am worthy of being loved fully for who I am.

So, why don’t I want resiliency as my virtue?

In the last year, I read Stephanie Foo’s book, “What My Bones Know”, which is a great resource for someone diagnosed with Complex-PTSD and something so relatable and beautiful for me. In the book she writes the following:


“When we say someone is resilient, we mean they adopt well to conditions of adversity they are strong, in possession of emotional toughness. But how do you measure someone’s emotional toughness, exactly?

When scientists and psychologists provide case studies of resilient individuals, they don’t showcase a housekeeper who has overcome personal tragedy and now has impressive talents at self-regulation. They write about individuals who survived and became doctors, teachers, therapists, motivational speakers - sparkly members of society. Resilience, according to the establishment, is not a degree of some indeterminable measure of inner peace. Resilience is instead synonymous with success.”

I feel this. I just want to be happy. I just want to be me. I want to release all perceptions of me as successful because I overcame so much. I want to be loved and accepted fully for who I am today. Period. Full stop. End of story. I am still wildly capable of so much and can overcome all the tough seasons life throws at me, but I don’t want to be measured by success and the toughness that got me here. I just want to be measured by my wild, brave, imperfect, loving and kind self.

In conclusion…

There’s been times in the past year that I wanted to crawl under a rock and never face another human because I had so much shame for the changes I’ve made, relationships I’ve gotten into, but now realize how brave I am to be able to start over when things aren’t working. And it takes courage to quit something. And it also doesn’t matter what others think of me. Those that love me, love me for who I am; a truly imperfect being.



I have sadness for time. I am now 45, no family, and my ability to have kids is not really in the cards any longer. But I am so incredibly rich in amazing friendships, aunts and cousins that are like moms and sisters to me, great work, the ability to spend countless hours in nature, and a beautiful network of people I’ve had the pleasure of getting to know along the journey. I’m starting over in so many ways but my foundation is now stronger than ever. There are already some great things flourishing in my world and I’m understanding what it feels like to have others attune to my needs, have boundaries, be comfortable expressing my needs, and to call out what doesn’t feel good. 



Right now, there’s so much spaciousness and a sense of being grounded like never before. I feel worthy. I know my worth. I know I should be loved fully and treated well. There is so much unknown about the future that is both exciting and beautiful as well as scary and a little terrifying. But, I am here for it. I will not force what’s not meant to be. I will make decisions that are a yes from a full body perspective. 



Stay tuned, the best is yet to come. ❤️

Work with me!
If you are looking for coaching support, I’d love to meet and see if we’re a good fit. You can email me at shannon@radiantfirefly.com or schedule time to connect here to see if it feels good to continue an engagement together.